I know we’re all about turning your crappy situations into happy ones and doing our darndest to stay positive around here, but I’ll be the first to admit that it’s not always so easy to do that!
Actually, if I’m to be totally honest, sometimes I find it downright impossible to find something…anything to turn my crappy into happy, especially as I get older and older!
Sometimes life is just too much of a struggle.
Like when seizures or anxiety rob your daughter of happiness.
Or when you try to coordinate doctor appointments to happen during your husband’s vacation week so he doesn’t have to take even more time off and either the doctor cancels or your daughter gets her period and refuses to go!
Or when your daughter exasperates you more than you can bear by insisting you perform an impossible task for days on end!!
But really, thinking about the future is the biggest thing that robs me of happiness, yet I cannot avoid it.
Planning for Bethany’s future for when Malcolm and I will no longer be capable of caring for her or even be alive has to be done!
There’s just no way around it!
But thinking about it makes me cry.
In fact, I’m crying right now as I type away about it!
Contemplating Bethany’s future hasn’t always been such a devastating experience because it always seemed so far away into the future.
I never really obsessed so much about it until last year when at age 58, I broke my shoulder and it became dangerous for me to be around Bethany.
She just didn’t understand that I couldn’t move my arm at all, not even an inch and she kept trying to take my sling off.
For a while it looked like we might have to find another place for her to live temporarily.
As it turned out I just couldn’t bear the thought of sending her away and we figured out another way of coping with that disaster which you can read more about at The Continuing Saga of my Broken Shoulder, if you feel so inclined!
But the sad, cruel truth is that someday I will not have a choice!
Either I will be permanently too old and fragile to still live with Bethany or I will be dead!
And so, I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned of I don’t, because no matter what decisions my husband and I make concerning Bethany’s future, it will be hard and sad and devastating.
Perhaps I’m being overly dramatic, but I feel like it’s my destiny to be sad, depressed, guilty and worried about Bethany’s safety until the day I die!
